Skip to main content

Sentence 110

Before
A typical day starts with a task list at hand to give the day some structure like maybe drafting articles, tracking news and fixing interactions, crawls into all ad hoc activities that takes priority and ends with completing both.

After
A typical day starts with a task list to give the day some structure.Tasks usually include drafting articles, tracking news, and fixing interactions and crawls. 

 In the 'before' version, the author tries to cram in too much. The use of 'maybe' is colloquial. The tasks are not parallel in structure. "Completing both" - both what? It is not clear that 'drafting articles etc' are the tasks being referred to.

 The 'after version' is split into two sentences and it fixes the issues stated above.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sentence 130

Before Sometimes even one motivated person can bring about a big change. After Sometimes, all it takes is one person to make a difference.  Notes Inserted a comma after 'sometimes'  Changed the sentence to pack in a punch.
Post a Comment
Read more

Sentence 35

Before: Fake news rose to notorious fame during the 2016 U.S. presidential elections. After: Fake news achieved notoriety during the 2016 U.S. presidential elections.  Note: Notorious fame is an oxymoron. So I rephrased it. Here's the definition of 'oxymoron' according to m-w.com .
Post a Comment
Read more

Sentence 8

Before In a changing environment where the new keywords are cloud, automation, data-led analytics, IoT, and mobility, the solutions expected from IT service providers as well as the nature of their delivery are undergoing a change.  After In a business scenario where the buzzwords are cloud, automation, data-led analytics, IoT, and mobility, the solutions expected from IT service providers, as well as the nature of their delivery, are undergoing a change. Notes:  Changed 'changing environment' to 'business scenario' since it gives context. Keywords are for blogs or SEO; buzzwords are " a word or phrase, often an item of jargon, that is fashionable at a particular time or in a particular context. " This was an issue of word choice.  'as well as the nature of their delivery' is a non- restrictive clause. This means that even if you take the clause out of the sentence, it will still make sense. The rule
Post a Comment
Read more