Skip to main content

Sentence 105

Before
Through regular events in partnership with NGOs, internal awareness campaigns and by using demand-side management approaches, we strive to encourage a positive environmental action amongst our employees.

After

Through regular events in partnership with NGOs, internal awareness campaigns, and by using demand-side management approaches, we strive to encourage a decisive environmental action amongst our employees.

Comments
Introduced a serial comma before 'and' since we use The Chicago Manual of Style(CMOS) for this client. You can learn more about the use of the serial comma according to CMOS here.

Changed #positive to #decisive because it is a better choice of word.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sentence 99

Before Next time I bite into an #alphonso mango I am going to remind myself the nameless labourers who toil to give us a taste of the sweetest fruits on earth. After Next time I bite into an #alphonso mango, I am going to mentally thank the 'aam aadmi' who ensures these sweet fruits reach me. Comments The article was about security guards who guard mangoes, not labourers who toil in the farm. nameless labourers doesn't make much sense  since factually, labourers do have names.  sweetest fruits is a superlative. not suitable since it is not proven that mango is the sweetest. 'aam aadmi' is a pun on mango, so used that.
Post a Comment
Read more

Sentence 1

Before: Our children are our future, is an often quoted statement, which ideally refers to the fact that it is our children who have the power to initiate growth, progress and change in the times to come. After: Our children are our future. This is an oft-quoted statement, which re-iterates that it is our children who have the power to initiate growth, progress and change in times to come.  Notes a. Never place a comma before a verb. ‘Is’ - is a verb.  b. 'often quoted’ is usually written as 'oft-quoted’ c. Don’t use ‘ideally’ unnecessarily. d. 'the times to come.’  to be changed to ‘times to come’. ‘The’ is a definite article. Please read up on the use of definite articles here:  https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/540/01/ e. Avoid constructions with ‘the fact that’ as much as possible.
Post a Comment
Read more

Sentence 2

Before:  A Parliamentarian who is an expert in rules of order and the proper procedures for the conduct of meetings of deliberative assemblies and with the power vested with them it is their utmost responsibility to look into issues that concern the people who have voted for them. After:Parliamentarians are responsible for  looking  into issues that concern the people who have voted for them. Notes: a) Refer to ‘parliamentarians' in the plural since we are referring to them in general. b) No need to capitalise ‘P' in Parliamentarian even if it occurs in the middle of the sentence.  c) The sentence has two or more thoughts combined into one sentence without commas. Something like a run-on sentence, but not exactly.  d) The jumbled thoughts do not convey anything with clarity. So I’ve removed them and retained only the bare structure of the sentence, which, I feel, is sufficient. 
Post a Comment
Read more