Skip to main content

Sentence 18

Before
Instead, a surgeon can wear AR-enabled smart glasses through the surgery that brings up the most important information, thereby reducing the multitasking required and also significantly curbing errors.

After
Instead, they can wear AR-enabled smart glasses during the surgery that captures essential information, thereby reducing the multitasking required and also curbing errors. 

Notes

  • In the document, the word 'surgeon' was used in the previous sentence. So, I've changed "a surgeon" in this sentence to "they"
  • Changed 'through' to 'during' since it conveys the meaning more accurately.
  • Changed "brings up" to "captures" since it is a better choice of word.
  • Changed "the most important" to "essential" since it is a better synonym.
  • Removed the adjective significantly, since it does not convey anything of value and is superfluous.





Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Sentence 82

Before The timelier and more enhanced the insights, the greater an organisation’s ability to stay ahead.  After Timely insights enable an organisation to stay ahead.  Notes: 'The timelier and more enhanced the insights' is not parallel. So I have rephrased. Also, timelier? We only say timely. Do not say 'organisation's' , i.e, do not form the possessive of a non-living thing.  Have also cut down the sentence for brevity.

Sentence 73

Before The team manages media for one of our oldest client, X and over the years, they have helped X branch out and break new ground. After The team manages media for one of our oldest clients, X, and over the years, they have helped X branch out and break new ground.  Notes: 1. Rookie mistake! -  The team manages media for one of our oldest client s.... One of my friends not one of my friend. Similarly, one of our oldest clients, not one of our oldest client. (One of many)

Sentence 20

Before The three graphs represent three different outputs that will be generated depending on whether we input an individual diagnosis code or a category. After The three graphs represent three different types of output based on whether we provide an individual diagnosis code or a category as input.  Notes: Don't use the word 'output' in the plural form. Say 'types of output'. Don't use 'input' as a verb.  So I have changed "we input an individual diagnosis code or a category' to " we provide an individual code or a category as input".