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Showing posts from June, 2018

Sentence 115

Before Beacons can be easily integrated with identity cards to authenticate access at the entrances of certain sections and offices of a hospital. This means that managers and administrators can grant or restrict access on an individual-basis.  After Beacons can be easily integrated with identity cards to authenticate access at the entrances of certain sections and offices of a hospital. Authenticating access means that managers and administrators can grant or restrict access on an individual basis.  Notes. 'This' is an unclear antecedent. We need to clarify what 'This' refers to. Please avoid starting sentences with 'this'.  Changed 'individual-basis' to 'individual basis' as the hyphen is not required there.

Sentence 114

Before As technology changes and businesses evolve, a company's insurance needs will adapt too. The future looks quite interesting -  https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/315418 After As new technologies with unknown risks and outcomes emerge , a company's insurance needs will also change. The future looks quite interesting.  https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/315418 Changed to the 'after' version in keeping with the content in the link.  -->

Sentence 113

The following example illustrates the importance of querying. Before --> --> In the absence of sperm, the sperm samples [ are spun in a centrifuge to create a concentrated ‘pellet’ and examined further.    [AL1] What do you mean? If there is an absence of sperm, how can you refer to sperm samples? After In the absence of sperm, the sperm   semen ]   samples [AL2]   are spun in a centrifuge to create a concentrated ‘pellet’ and examined further.    Sorry, I meant semen.   [AL2] What do you mean? If there is an absence of sperm, how can you refer to sperm samples?

Sentence 112

 Before @jk_rowling is truly a magician! After @jk_rowling truly creates magic! Notes: The 'after' version indicates that her work is magic while the 'before' version makes it sound like she is a professional magician. #word choice.

Sentence 111

Before This chess whizz will be someone to look out for! After This chess wiz will be someone to look out for! Notes: Whizz vs. wiz Click on each word to know the difference in usage.

Sentence 110

Before A typical day starts with a task list at hand to give the day some structure like maybe drafting articles, tracking news and fixing interactions, crawls into all ad hoc activities that takes priority and ends with completing both. After A typical day starts with a task list to give the day some structure. Tasks usually include drafting articles, tracking news, and fixing interactions and crawls.  In the 'before' version, the author tries to cram in too much. The use of 'maybe' is colloquial. The tasks are not parallel in structure. "Completing both" - both what? It is not clear that 'drafting articles etc' are the tasks being referred to. The 'after version' is split into two sentences and it fixes the issues stated above.