Skip to main content

Sentence 10

Before


A common conundrum several organizations in today’s data-saturated world face is finding the time, means and expertise to mine the information that is being generated continuously—within every sector and domain—to deduce insights with which to improve business results.

After
 A problem most organizations  face today is finding the time, means, and expertise to mine the information—within every sector and domain—for insights that can be used to improve business results. 

Notes:
  • This sentence tries to cram too much into limited space. 
  • Conundrum means b :an intricate and difficult problem " according to m-w.com
  • So obviously you can't have a 'common conundrum'. This is a word choice problem. It's better to use simple words that convey the intended meaning, rather than misuse uncommon words.
  • I have cut out some of the adjectives and phrases to shorten the sentence: "data-saturated", 
  • '—to deduce insights with which to improve business results.' has been changed to 'for insights that can be used to improve business results'. because 'with which' is a tongue twister.
  • Finally, read  a sentence out loud to see if it is simple and readable. It shouldn't sound like a mouthful. 
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sentence 99

Before Next time I bite into an #alphonso mango I am going to remind myself the nameless labourers who toil to give us a taste of the sweetest fruits on earth. After Next time I bite into an #alphonso mango, I am going to mentally thank the 'aam aadmi' who ensures these sweet fruits reach me. Comments The article was about security guards who guard mangoes, not labourers who toil in the farm. nameless labourers doesn't make much sense  since factually, labourers do have names.  sweetest fruits is a superlative. not suitable since it is not proven that mango is the sweetest. 'aam aadmi' is a pun on mango, so used that.
Post a Comment
Read more

Sentence 1

Before: Our children are our future, is an often quoted statement, which ideally refers to the fact that it is our children who have the power to initiate growth, progress and change in the times to come. After: Our children are our future. This is an oft-quoted statement, which re-iterates that it is our children who have the power to initiate growth, progress and change in times to come.  Notes a. Never place a comma before a verb. ‘Is’ - is a verb.  b. 'often quoted’ is usually written as 'oft-quoted’ c. Don’t use ‘ideally’ unnecessarily. d. 'the times to come.’  to be changed to ‘times to come’. ‘The’ is a definite article. Please read up on the use of definite articles here:  https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/540/01/ e. Avoid constructions with ‘the fact that’ as much as possible.
Post a Comment
Read more

Sentence 2

Before:  A Parliamentarian who is an expert in rules of order and the proper procedures for the conduct of meetings of deliberative assemblies and with the power vested with them it is their utmost responsibility to look into issues that concern the people who have voted for them. After:Parliamentarians are responsible for  looking  into issues that concern the people who have voted for them. Notes: a) Refer to ‘parliamentarians' in the plural since we are referring to them in general. b) No need to capitalise ‘P' in Parliamentarian even if it occurs in the middle of the sentence.  c) The sentence has two or more thoughts combined into one sentence without commas. Something like a run-on sentence, but not exactly.  d) The jumbled thoughts do not convey anything with clarity. So I’ve removed them and retained only the bare structure of the sentence, which, I feel, is sufficient. 
Post a Comment
Read more