Skip to main content

Sentence 9


Before

All businesses, whether they be one of the largest bank in the US, a luxury auto maker, or an energy management company, want their operations to be at their optimized and efficient best, where they are automated to the maximum extent using their cognitive platform.

After

All businesses, whether a large bank in the US, a luxury auto maker, or an energy management company, want their operations to be at their optimized and efficient best. 

Notes:
  • changed "they be one of the largest bank" to "a large bank" to make it parallel with the other items in the sentence( a luxury auto maker, an energy management company)
  • Also, it is "one of the largest banks" not "one of the largest bank" . (Although I have deleted this entire text.
  • Deleted "where they are automated to the maximum extent using their cognitive platform."  because it was trying to cram way too much into one sentence, thereby spoiling its readability.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sentence 61

Before: From helping foreign clients tell their stories in India to help Indian businesses take their business to a global scale, the team has a successful record. After: From helping foreign clients tell their stories in India to enabling Indian entrepreneurs to take their business to a global scale, the team has a successful record. Notes: 'Help' was used twice, so replaced with enabling. #word choice.  Also 'enabling' (-ing verb) to keep the parallel construction of 'helping' used earlier intact. businesses vs. entrepreneurs - word choice.
Post a Comment
Read more

Sentence 99

Before Next time I bite into an #alphonso mango I am going to remind myself the nameless labourers who toil to give us a taste of the sweetest fruits on earth. After Next time I bite into an #alphonso mango, I am going to mentally thank the 'aam aadmi' who ensures these sweet fruits reach me. Comments The article was about security guards who guard mangoes, not labourers who toil in the farm. nameless labourers doesn't make much sense  since factually, labourers do have names.  sweetest fruits is a superlative. not suitable since it is not proven that mango is the sweetest. 'aam aadmi' is a pun on mango, so used that.
Post a Comment
Read more

Sentence 1

Before: Our children are our future, is an often quoted statement, which ideally refers to the fact that it is our children who have the power to initiate growth, progress and change in the times to come. After: Our children are our future. This is an oft-quoted statement, which re-iterates that it is our children who have the power to initiate growth, progress and change in times to come.  Notes a. Never place a comma before a verb. ‘Is’ - is a verb.  b. 'often quoted’ is usually written as 'oft-quoted’ c. Don’t use ‘ideally’ unnecessarily. d. 'the times to come.’  to be changed to ‘times to come’. ‘The’ is a definite article. Please read up on the use of definite articles here:  https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/540/01/ e. Avoid constructions with ‘the fact that’ as much as possible.
Post a Comment
Read more